Feel Like You’re Failing as a Mom? Here are 10 Things You Need to Know

Do you ever feel like you are failing as a mom?  Like, how in the world is everyone else keeping it together so well and I am just barely hanging on?  Here are 10 important truths to remember when you feel like a bad mom.  

I recently lost it.  Like left the kids with my husband, went to the car to run errands by myself and just had a good cry. 

It had been a long week at home and here we were at the weekend and I felt like I was just hanging on by a thread. Like I could not get it together.  

There were piles around me of things that needed to be organized.  My to-do list was full of tasks that I had not gotten to that week.  And I could not even tell you the last time I felt like I really had time to sit down and just relax.

And that’s when it all starts in.  Why am I failing at this thing called motherhood (and being a good wife, and homemaker, and all the things if we’re being totally honest)?

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Fighting the Urge to Just “Try Harder”

My initial instinct when I’m feeling like a bad mom is to immediately jump into my to-do list and start trying to check things off the list.  Surely, if I can be more productive and get things off of my list, that will make me a better mom, right?  If I can get our home in order, I’ll be better able to serve our family.  

But the fact is, a lot of time, this striving and working harder leaves me more emptied than before I started.

Not only that, but if I’m not careful, trying to do it all in my own strength leaves me frustrated and resentful towards my family – the very people I’m trying to serve in the first place.  

Maybe that’s where you are too.  Feeling like you’re failing as a mom or a wife, homemaker, friend.  Whatever it is.  Here are 10 truths to encourage you.  

10 Things to Remember When it Feels Like You’re Failing as a Mom

Motherhood is Hard

It’s true.  Motherhood just is hard.  I think it’s harder than a lot of us like to admit.  Sure, it is also wonderful, rewarding, and incredibly beautiful.  But it’s also hard. 

And I think this is a good place for us to start.  To remember in whatever season of motherhood you’re in – that it’s not always going to be easy.  And that does not make you a bad mom.  

It just means that you are a mom – navigating a role that, like many other roles is full of really great parts and really challenging ones, too.  

Just when you think you’ve got it down, you quickly enter a new season and need to learn all over again.  

I could make a whole list for you of the WAYS motherhood is hard, but if you needed that, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.  While all of our circumstances look a little different, my guess is that you’ve figured this part out by now.

Having it Together All the Time is Not a Real Thing

But what about all those other moms?  How do they get it all done?  

Stop it right there.  

No one has it together all of the time and you need to know that.  

Just like you have good days and bad days – so does everyone else.  Despite what social media leads us to believe.

Sure, you can make plans and lists and routines.  And they can serve you really well most of the time, but the fact is that sometimes things come up that are outside of our control.  They throw a wrench in everything.  And sometimes that leaves us floundering.  

That’s okay.  You’ll get it together again.  

RELATED: DEAR MAMA ON THE HARD DAYS

A Bad Day Does Not Make You a Bad Mom

It just doesn’t.  A bad day is just that – a bad day.  Tomorrow is a fresh start and a new opportunity.  For everyone. 

It’s Not Too Late to Turn the Day Around

Or, if the day isn’t over yet, you still have time to turn it around.  I know, I know.  It feels like you are on a crazy train sometimes.  You want to get off, but the train keeps right on moving ahead.  

Trust me, do I ever know this feeling.  I lose my patience with the boys or my husband.  I say something totally out of line.  Or I am just in a generally bad mood.  Grumpy mom, anyone?  I don’t like it, but it seems like I don’t know the way, in the moment, to get off the train.  

Anyway – once you realize it, you CAN turn the day around.  

Take everyone outside for a quick walk outside, take a mommy timeout, turn the music up and have a dance party.  Whatever it takes to reset everyone.  

Your Feelings Are Not Your Identity

Repeat this after me (I’m repeating it with you, don’t worry): My feelings do not define me.  

Here is what I’ve learned about feelings.  We all have feelings.  And it’s good to feel them.  But our feelings come and go.  They change with the circumstances and we cannot control them.  

BUT, we can control how we respond to them.  Our feelings are indicators of when things are going well or when something is out of whack.  But that’s all they do. 

Recently, I’ve realized that too often, when I’m feeling down – especially in my roles as a mom or wife – Satan will quickly take those feelings up and tell me that’s who I am.  

Here’s how it goes: I say something unkind – and Satan tells me that I AM unkind to my family. 

I feel impatient, and I start to believe that I AM an impatient mom. 

I feel cluttered or disorganized at home and so I must BE an unorganized homemaker. 

But, y’all.  This is not reality.  All those feelings, they are just indicators of my circumstances.  Feeling unorganized tells me that there is room for improvement in our home.  Feeling impatient tells me that something else has my attention that I’m trying to move on to rather than being in this moment. 

My identity is in Christ.  Period.  He tells me that I am fully known and fully loved.  When I operate out of that, I can feel my feelings and make a plan to overcome them. 

I am empowered to be a great mom, even when my feelings tell me otherwise.  

Your Spouse Is Not the Enemy

Another truth that you need to hear: Your spouse is not the enemy.  (I realize that there are circumstances where this is not the case, but for the purposes of this post and in my own experience, this has been a helpful thing to remember.)

When I feel myself getting overwhelmed with everything going on around me, one of my first instincts is to put blame on my husband.  It just happens and I think it’s something that many of us do.  

We start to think of all the ways they aren’t helping like we need them to.  All the things that fall solely to us as moms.  And if left unchecked that can turn into resentment and some really ugly arguments. 

When I start to feel like that, I have to take a step back and remember that he is not the enemy here.  We’re on the same team. 

My husband is at work all day.  So no, he does not see much of the work that goes on around our home.  He isn’t minutely aware of all the details I’m thinking about in taking care of our family. But, if I need his help, he is always willing to pitch in where he is needed. 

When I intentionally stop to thank him for his work and then specifically give him ways that he can help me, we can function as a team together.  Clearly communicating my feelings, expectations, and needs are important – and I’m the only one that can do that.

(Everyone will have different ways of dividing housework and family responsibilities, but no matter what it looks like in your house, clearly communicating those things is necessary.)

RELATED: 10 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE AFTER KIDS

We Were Not Made to Do it All

There are about a million GOOD things that you can do with and for your family.  But if you try to do them all, you’ll have a hard time.  

We live in a day where everyone is posting their highlight reels online for us all to see and it’s easy to think that if we could do more or be more, maybe then we could be a better mom. 

If I was more crafty, or more outgoing.  If we took more trips to the museum, or if I had time to stay home.  Man, if I made more time to go the gym or practice “self-care”.  Maybe then I would have it together. 

You are enough.  Maybe your routines need some tweaking.  There is probably some room for improvement (with all of us), but listen to me right now.  

You do not have to do everything that everyone else does to be a good mom. 

Do what works for your family and forget about the rest.  

And when you need some help, ask for it.  Accept it.  And don’t feel guilty about it. 

Everything is Worse When We’re Tired

Remember what I said about feelings?  If you’re anything like me, there is almost nothing to exacerbate negative feelings than being sleep-deprived.

It’s harder to see things for how they really are and way more difficult to create solutions.  

There are certainly seasons where being sleep-deprived just comes with the territory (newborn at home, anyone?  I’m preparing for that again over here, too.)  Other times, we just don’t prioritize rest the way we need to.  And this is hurting us when it comes to feeling like we’re failing at motherhood.  

Sometimes the best thing to do at the end of a bad day is just put everything else down.  Let the dishes wait and the toys stay out. Unplug your phone and go to bed.  

Get some rest and ask for help to do it if you need to.  I am convinced that just practicing rest is one of the best forms of self-care out there for busy moms.  

Our Shortcomings and Failures in Provide Great Teaching Opportunities

Nothing changes a tense moment like a quickly offered apology after a harsh word or action.  

Your kids are human just like you.  They’ll make mistakes the same as you.  And when our mistakes involve other or hurt others, the best thing we can do, is acknowledge that, apologize, and seek reconciliation. 

This is a good example for our children.  When they see you acknowledging your own shortcomings and apologizing for them, your children will learn how to recognize when they have hurt others and healthy ways to make it right.  

Here’s how it goes in our house.  “I’m really sorry.  I’m feeling frustrated and that was not a kind way to speak to you.  May I give you a hug?  I love you very much.” 

And do you know what?  That’s usually the end of that.  Kids are good at forgiving.  

Your Work is Important

Finally, even though it might not always seem like it, the work you are doing is important.  

As a mom, you are giving of yourself everyday to teach your children, to love your spouse, to care for your home.  You are creating a safe place for those you love to be and thrive. 

And while you might not get a verbal “thank you” every single day, this is important work. 

Your children see this work.  They see you balancing everyone’s needs.  And all of it is shaping them into who they will become.  

It matters, Mama.

Do you ever feel like a bad mom?  What are your tried and true tips for a reset?